1:39 PM
Monday, September 7, 2009
I can't even begin to tell you what I feel when I'm with Julio. I'm not going to lie. I was seriously iffy about this whole thing when I first went out on that date with him Saturday night, but we had a blast and I can't help liking him this much. We hung out again yesterday; he and a couple of my other friends and I went to go see Halloween 2--another horrible scary movie. Julio hates scary movies and really, really didn't want to go see it, but I finally convinced him and he came. And he wasn't even scared. It was that bad.
After the movie, we all just went home. It was late, around 1am, and Julio crashed in my dorm. Dante and Madison were spending the night at her house, because she wasn't feeling well. We had the best time ever. He's so easy to talk to, and we have so much in common, and it's just... Amazing. I don't even know how to explain it.
And that's all I really have to say, because there's not much more to it.
Thanks, Mike, for being so goddamn awesome and giving me the best advice ever. [:
10:21 AM
Sunday, September 6, 2009
So much for not starting things too quickly. I'm not really mad at myself for letting things fall into place. I mean, it's a good thing, right? I've almost entirely forgotten how much I liked Paul. I've never said this before, but Mike, you're really smart sometimes. xD
Julio is the boy that's been talking to me. And the other day, he asked me to hang out one night. It didn't really sound like a date--more like friends hanging out. And I was okay with that. But then we started talking--REALLY talking. To the point where we didn't spend a second not talking to one another, whether it was through texting or on AIM or Facebook, or whatever. And I've learned so much about him, it's crazy. And we have so much in common. I was a little weirded out at first.
Yesterday, we were texting, and he goes, "You know, I'm leaning towards this being our first date instead of just hanging out." I was a little iffy at first, but I was really starting to like him. I guess you wouldn't understand, because you don't know the whole story, but that's because I haven't had time to post, because I've been with Julio. [:
We went to see Transformers 2 last night. I've already seen it before, and he'd told me that he hadn't. We talked a whole lot on the car ride there, and the second we got on the highway, he took my hand. It was really, really sweet. I enjoyed it.
When we get to the movie theatre, he pays for my ticket, and then we walk into the theatre, and the second we sit down, he puts his arm around me. I kind of leaned in and we sat there like that for a couple of minutes. We joked a little bit about the movie, because there's that first scene with Megan Fox on the bike, and I'd told him earlier about how Megan Fox used to be a man and stuff like that. So we were joking.
And the movie goes on, and then he kisses my shoulder. And then my cheek. And he does this a couple more times, and I'm kind of trying to keep my head turned a little so he can't reach my lips. I told him that I didn't want things to move too quickly, and I mean, I guess kissing on the first date isn't that quickly, but I'm not really a fan of kissing in a packed movie theatre.
After a couple minutes, I give in and let him kiss me. And it was nice. Really, really nice. He's got really soft lips--probably from playing saxophone. XD
And so the movie goes on, and we kiss a couple more times, and I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of getting bored with the movie, because the first time I saw it, I didn't like it, and whatever. So we kiss a little more. And then we have popcorn thrown at us. It was pretty funny, actually. But that gave me the push to tell him that I was bored. And then he asked me if I wanted to leave early. I said yes, and then we left.
The car ride back was sweet, too. It was actually kind of funny. He was holding my hand again, and we're driving, and I just asked him, "So are we a thing now?" He looks at me and goes, "Do you want to be?" So I smiled and shrugged, returning the question. He said that of course he wants to be. So being the smartass that I am, I told him that he had to ask me. So he goes, "Do you want to be a thing?" And I go, "No, that's not how you ask!" So he sighs and goes, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" That satisfied me. So I said yes.
I don't think he stopped smiling the whole way home.
So when we got back, he came up to my dorm room and sat and talked and cuddled and kissed for a couple of hours. We talk about a lot. And we make a lot of jokes. I like guys that will make jokes with me. [:
Madison came back sometime around eleven, and the three of us were talking and stuff, and then he left around midnight. I walked him out to his car, and then walked back to the dorm on my own.
I have to say--this was one of the best nights of my life. [:
11:09 AM
Friday, September 4, 2009
I've realised that liking your best friend, is not that easy. Especially when your best friend has a girlfriend, is basically in love with his girlfriend, and doesn't see them breaking up, ever. I've learned that it's incredibly smart to try and make yourself get over that little crush as quick as possible. But I also know that it's not really hard to try and forget someone that you like, you know?
especially when they're your best friend.
I figured that I should try and get some help with this from some of my friends. I asked about four different people, and lucky for me, they all said the same thing. Too bad it wasn't what I wanted to hear. They all told me that I should stop talking to him so much. I mean, we don't talk a lot, but we talk enough. Obviously, enough for me to start liking him, right?
So I'm trying to get myself to stop liking him, but I don't want to stop talking to him. I've actually been talking to his roommate, who likes my other best friend, a lot more. He's really fun and easy to talk to as well, and that's good, because it's nice to have someone to talk to, when you need someone. They feel the same about me, I guess. I'm the resident advice-giver for our group of friends. XD
Anyway. So, that walk that I took with Mike last night, we actually ended up talking about how I can get over liking Paul. He told me that I should find a replacement. He was the odd answer out of everyone else that told me to stop talking to him. I mean, I understand why he said to find a replacement. He's a guy, he would say something like that. I mean, if you know Mike, you would understand, too.
At the time, I thought the idea was incredibly stupid. I mean, I know it would work, but what are the chances that I would find someone who would be a good replacement? Who says that I could just stop liking Paul and pick up liking someone else?
Mike does.
Honestly, I didn't believe that it was possible until this other kid from band started talking to me the day before yesterday. He just friended me on Facebook and we chatted on it for like an hour. And then last night, when I got back from my walk with Mike, he was on, and we chatted for a while again. I ended up adding him on AIM and we talked there, and then he texted me until I fell asleep. Same shit that went on with Paul, really.
And this kid--I'm going to refrain from saying his name for the time being--is really, really flirtatious with me. He talks about how I make him smile and how I'm funny and some other cute things like that, and he's just really flirty with me. He calls me flute girl, and then decided that he was going to start calling me Z instead, because Nicole is just too hard to remember, right? XD
I dunno. He's really nice, and he is cute and stuff, but I don't want anything to start this quickly. I hear Jaime's voice in my head telling me to make sure that I get to know the person for a month before I start anything. Like hell that's going to happen, really, but I've only talked to him once in a while.
But when I do talk to him, it's worth it. [:
11:48 PM
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I love taking long walks. I just got back in from like, a two hour walk around campus with Mike. And the great thing was, we actually talked. He talked to me, I talked to him, and he actually listened to me. That's hard to find in anyone, someone who actually listens and responds. We ended up talking about just about everything. The subject went from Caroline to different parts of my life to my sexuality and his drinking, and things like that.
It was the most worthwhile thing I've done while being on campus. Paul plans to take one with me sometime next week. I'm kind of excited, and kind of not.
Oh. Speaking of Paul, I have to point this out. Towards the end of our little walk around campus, Mike pointed out something to me. He goes, "So I have something I want to tell you, but I don't think I should." I told him to just go ahead and say it, and he argued and said that it was too negative. To that, I shrugged my shoulders and told him to just tell me.
He told me something along the lines of how me and Paul would be a perfect couple, because we're so alike in ways that we don't drink or have sex or do drugs, and we're really devoted to music and a ton of other things that I can't even remember... And it made me think. Because I'm trying to stop liking him. And I seriously hope that he doesn't read my blog, because I might punch a baby if he found out that I like him. Mike even told me that Paul usually doesn't stay friends with a girl when he founds out that she likes him, whether he's taken or not.
I guess I have to be more careful what I put in here, then? Either that, or I have to stop posting my URL in my status on AIM all the time.
Anyway.
I've decided that walks are incredible. It's amazing what taking a walk at night when everything cools down can do. I've felt sick all day, and I went on this walk with Mike, and I suddenly felt so much better. It was almost unfair. Like, why hadn't I thought about that before? But that wasn't the only reason that this walk was the best thing I've done lately. Mike and I talked about a lot of things, and I told him some things that I haven't even told Nils. It's crazy.
Cliche says that I'm going to be best friends with these people for the rest of my life. <3
9:58 PM
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Nothing bothers me more than people who are fake.
No. It doesn't bother me. It pisses me the hell off. Stupid fake people who can't be themselves for one whole minute. And those stupid fake people who feel like they have to lie to everyone about everything just so they can be liked. I just hate people who can't think for themselves and shit like that.
All in all, I hate stupid blonde manwhores. You all know who I'm talking about. The only snare drummer who doesn't wear a shirt to any practise, no matter how cold it is. The snare drummer that gets made fun of for not wearing a shirt, ever. The snare drummer who should've gotten kicked off the line instead of Paul, because he actually sucks at drumming, unlike the aforementioned best friend of mine. [:
Only manwhores try to screw you when they already have a girlfriend, and just don't tell you about it. Of course, they also said they'd broken up with said girlfriend months ago, and he likes you, and everything would be okay between you, he just didn't want a relationship. But really, he was lying about how much he and his girlfriend had sex to get you to have sex with him because that's all he wants.
I'm ready to slap a hoe.
Paul says he'll help me beat him up. It's all good.
On the bright side; I'm first chair in U Band? ^^
8:08 AM
It's only 8am and I've already had one of those nostalgic moments. I always get on Facebook in the morning, beacuse when I have notifications, it makes me feel special, you know? Even if they're just from some stupid application, or whatever. But I was looking through my Feed, and I saw that one of my old high school friends posted some pictures. I usually love looking at her pictures, because she's so good at editing them. She'll tint them, add cute text with lyrics from a favourite song, and they just make me feel good.
Well. I guess that was before college.
"I can't believe I'm already a senior!" quickly turned to "I can't believe we're doing with high school already!" and then to "Holy shit, I'm in college. I'm on my own!" And looking back at the past hurts now, instead of making me feel good.
Last night, I was in Paul and Mike's room for like two hours, just talking to them about everything. I know I already mentioned that, but really. We had some really in-depth conversations--though most of it did have to do with trying to Mike to ask out Caroline finally. I said some things to them that it took me years to tell some of my best friends. Things that I haven't even told Nils yet, which is big for me. Nils is my best friend in the whole world, and though we've only known each other for a year, he's the closest I've ever felt to anyone.
I've never had any real friends before. Never had that person that I could talk to for hours about everything. I mean, I sort of did, but our group of friends ended up splitting down the middle and everyone took sides, to which I just scoffed and decided against all of it.
But anyway.
It's weird how things have escalated with my friends here. I feel closer to these people than I've felt to anyone, ever. And yesterday I realised that... These are the people that I'm going to know for the rest of my life. Remember those old cliches that say you'll be best friends with the people you know from college forever? I feel it already, and I'm only three weeks in.
The sad part is, when I looked back at those pictures, it really hurt. Like, not just tug-at-my-heart, tear-in-my-eye sad; it was like, I'm about ready to bawl, but I have to go to class in an hour, so I won't. But that doesn't mean I won't be spending my break crying my eyes out.
I never realised how much I was actually going to miss home, and my old friends and everything, when I left. I'm not usually one to get homesick, but I think I talk to my mom just about every day. And I miss Nils more than anything in the world. Not just because I liked him so much for a bit of time, but becasue he's my best friend, and I can tell him anything, and it's just weird not being with him. Over the summer, we hung out just about every single day--and I would give anything to have this summer back. Anything.
College is so weird. I'm out on my own, but I still have my parents paying for everything. I'm in desperate need of a job, because I don't have a lot of money left in my account, but my mom told me that it was all right--they're still paying for all of my expenses. But I'm really on my own. Taking care of myself, buying my own groceries, feeding myself, spending my money wisely--I'd hope.
This is just so different than I imagined it.
3:31 PM
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I'm not usually one of those people that obsessively blogs every single day. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure that I have enough to talk about to manage blogging every day. But lately, I've had so much on my mind that I could write about four blogs a day. The sad part is, I have no time to write any of them.
I'm sitting here in my sweaty, smelly band clothes, blogging about randomness when I should really be doing my stats homework that's due tomorrow. But I hear that my teacher only grades for completion, so if I make a bunch of bullshit, I'm sure that it'll turn out okay. The only thing is, I really want to keep up my grade point average this year. I told my parents I'm going to graduate college with honours. I know I can do it. I just have to try.
But... Trying is just so hard, you know? XD
I mean, I just haven't made time for myself to do my homework. I still have some workbook pages to do for theory, too. I'm hoping that's all I have to do... But I sure as hell haven't practised piano, either. And now I'm picking up percussion on top of that... I have 20 credit hours, now. Proud of me? Yeah. I wouldn't be, either. It's a shitton of stuff.
I'm just glad that I'm finally getting my overall percussion lessons. I've wanted to learn snare for the longest, longest time; Elliott was supposed to teach me a while back, but he never did. And Paul is supposed to help me along the lines. We just have to find time to get together and do some drumming.
Good thing is, I'm not getting the lessons from Dr. Snider. Which is good, because that dude scares me. Legitimately.
I'm getting lessons from someone else; I hope he's good at marimba, because that's what I originally wanted. And I'm so, so excited to start. I just have to add the class to my schedule and pay a hundred some dollars for equipment use and whatnot. That'll get done tomorrow, at the same time I go to pick up my package from DocuZip! [:
So, speaking of drums, I just found out that my friend Paul, who is pretty much my best guy friend here at Akron, just got kicked off the cymbal line by someone else who just joined marching band today. I guess he didn't exactly get kicked off, but he has some other kid taking his spot for at least the first game. He's unsure when he's going to get to march again, and I kind of feel bad for him. I just hope he'll get to march sometime soon.
Anyway.
I spent two hours in Paul and Mike's room, talking to them about pretty much everything. Everything from what Mike should do about Caroline to my past relationships involving girls and everything like that. It was actually really weird. We just jumped from subject to subject and talked about everything under the sun.
And I realised that Paul and I do really have a musical bond--we both like stuff from the 80's, which is fucking sweet. And I think we're going to do a radio show together. I'm going to go to Kolbe Hall tomorrow and pick up my application to work in the station. I guess he already has people giving him bids on getting on their show, but he says he wants to do one with me, which would be pretty sweet. But that would also mean devoting another 10 hours a week to the station, and dropping percussion lessons.
I'm so unsure of what I want to do right now, and this whole liking boys who can't possibly like me back is really starting to get to me.
I'm jealous of the people I see walking around campus and holding hands. I want that. Whether it be boy or girl. I want to fall in love, for real. I'm done being hurt, and I'm done sulking, and I'm done wallowing away in my self pity. I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready to fall for someone, to be with someone for a while. I just have to find someone who isn't taken. That would help me so much.
Blargh. What am I going to do with myself? /shot