But now I remember why I'm so horrible at updating this thing. Firstly, I always forget to check it to even update. And then second, when I start updating, something distracts me, and I forget what I was saying, and then I don't feel like typing anymore. I just think it's worthless having to explain everything to nobody who reads this.

Then again, it's good for ranting. And rambling about things that only make sense to me. I just wish I would have thought of updating you know, at the beginning of Julio's leave for basic. It upsets me horribly how he's been away for so long. He'll have left two months ago come August 1. And there will still be four months and four days before he comes home. I know that it was hard to handle going through the summer without seeing him, mainly because I wasn't doing anything and it was my first long period of time away from him.

But the worst part, hands down, is the fact that he has no communication with me other than letters. I get maybe two or three letters a week. This past week, I got seriously lucky, and I received seven letters from him. It was incredible. Even better? They switched to Blue Phase this weekend, and we're supposed to get phone calls. Well. They were supposed to come today. But they didn't. Never have I ever been so anxious to get a phone call in my life. But I've been sitting near my phone with it on high ring, or I've been clutching it tight in my hand while it's on vibrate. All. Freaking. Day. I thought I was going to get a call today. Here's to hoping I'll get one tomorrow. I just want him home. I want to see him, hear his voice, give him a hug and a kiss. I miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine.

How am I going to cope when he goes overseas for a year's worth of deployment when the time comes? Hopefully it won't be for combat...

There's just a whole bunch of shit that sucks right now. This whole summer has been major suckage. Nobody from Akron lives by me. Nowhere within 30 minutes. It seriously sucks. I've spent my entire summer sitting on my ass at the computer or reading books. The first part of the summer was okay while I was working at Cedar Point, but after things started sucking worse than whores, I quit and came home. Sometimes I wish I was still there--at least I'd get paid to have a horrid summer. And maybe I'd have money to buy a freaking camera since Dan still hasn't paid me back and Elise probably changed her mind about buying my reader.

I just fucking need money.

So not only do I need money, I need better friends. I know that my best friends are trying to help me cope with Julio being away, but some of them are just making things worse. Nils even played a nasty joke on me today, and it really hurt. It made me completely break.

All the stress that I've been through--about the couch, Julio being away, moving out, band camp, moving in, my siblings, everything... It all blew up. And now I can't stop crying or feeling like crying. I just want Julio to come home. Either that, or these next two weeks just need to fly the fuck by. I can't wait another eighteen days. This is getting so out of hand. I miss him so much. I don't think he realises how much I actually need him by my side.

Lucky for me, he's planning on marrying me. Thank God. I don't know what I would do if this one got away. You should read some of the letters he sends me. They prove to me how much he loves me... But I'm still nervous about what it will be like to go see him in two weeks... Will he still love me in person the way he did before he left for basic?

He's changed so much, and I haven't changed at all... Am I still what he wants? I don't know anymore. I just want him here, even if he doesn't want me anymore. Well. I would care if he didn't want me anymore... I need him in every way. He's the love of my life, and I won't get through if he ends up leaving me. I love him with everything I have.

Julio, don't leave me.