scribbled symphonies

10:34 AM

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm sitting at the kitchen table in Julio's house as I write this. I'm all packed, bags in the car, and I'm ready to go. We're just about to head out to South Carolina, so I can go see him. I'm so, so excited, looking at the maps, reading the letters he sent me, memorising all the times and other things we need to know for when we get on post. I can't wait to see him. I've been waiting for this day for over two months now. We've celebrated our 11 month anniversary, the one year is just around the corner, now. And not only will I get to see him for three days straight, I'll be able to hold his hand and cuddle with him in the car for a six hour drive, and even go to the beach when him when we get to Virginia, where his AIT at Fort Eustis is. Granted, I left the bottom half of my bathing suit at home (that's what I get for not having them together) so I won't exactly get to swim, but wading is all I normally do in the ocean, anyway. And whatever. I have an extra pair of shorts and a few extra shirts with me, so I'm not afraid to get them wet. It's more than likely that Julio will splash water at me, like he did in the pool with Ben.

Thinking about this gets me so excited, and I'm getting anxious now. I have to sit in a car with Irvin for nine hours to get down to Fort Jackson, but I'm okay with that. I'll have my music and my books and paper, in case I feel like writing. Julio told me that he even wanted me to write in the car on the ride down, and I have so, so much to tell him. I can't wait to see him and hug him and hold him in my arms. Too bad there's no PDA allowed while he's in uniform. Post rules. Awesome. But, hey, when we go to the beach, that'll be a whole different story. (Hopefully he won't be in his ACU's then!)

I'm about to head out, so the next time I post, it'll be from South Carolina!

11:48 AM

Saturday, July 31, 2010

So I'm watching 27 Dresses for about the fiftieth time. I really can't get enough of this movie. Or any movie with a wedding in it, really. I've watched The Wedding Date and Made of Honor and My Big Fat Greek Wedding about fifty times each (the latter about three hundred), and they'll all be coming with me to school as well, because I'll continue to watch them as many times as I please until I actually become a wedding planner. Watching these films or all those wedding planning shows... It makes me realise how badly I actually want this. I want to make people overjoyed on the happiest day of their life.

I haven't had the best life up to this point. And I've finally realised that I want to do something that's going to make me happy, too. I've always been that person that is happy along with other people's happiness. I'd rather help other people than help myself, you know? And I know it's sort of unhealthy or whatever, but it's how I am, and I can't change that as much as I try.

And I've realised I'm a hopeless romantic. Romance movies and books are my favourite, whether dramatic like The Notebook and Dear John or comedic like Because I Said So or Yours, Mine and Ours. I like my romance. I think that's why when I find someone and we end up lasting, it doesn't take me long to start talking about the future. My wedding is the one thing in my life that I want to happen perfectly. And God knows that it won't, but still. Being a planner beforehand will help me with every dream I've ever wanted for my special day. And what's wrong with planning that before I even have someone to share it with? I've known what I wanted for my wedding before I knew you had to fall in love to be proposed to.

And maybe, maybe this one will work out. I know that Julio and I have only been together for, going on 11 months now, but that's long enough for me to bring up the future. I mean, I know that relationships can end badly even if they've been together for 12 years without marrying, but I want married early in my life.

And now that Julio has enlisted, he's not against marrying early, either. Especially since he deploys within six months of being home after all his training. Yeah. That's a year from today, maybe, that he could be gone for a whole nother year. Of course, there's no way that I would get married at only 20 years old. No way ever. Engagement, maybe. But marriage? No thanks. I want to be married around 23. I'll have a good job by then, I'll have moved away from this hell hole, and my life will be in full swing. I think it's the perfect time.

Is it wrong of me to think about getting married this early in life? Especially if I want weddings to be my thing for the rest of my life? I honestly don't think it's that horrible. I'm a girl; my dream is to have a beautiful, elegant wedding and marry the man that's going to make me happy for the rest of my life. Every woman, almost, dreams of marrying and having children, right? I don't think this is wrong.

The point is, I haven't even started my new degree yet, but I know this is what I want. I want to cook. I want to plan weddings. I want to make people overjoyed on the happiest day of their life for the rest of mine.

9:01 PM

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I noticed, today, that while venting to Caleb, that I use him a lot as far as venting goes. I also abuse Meredith for venting, and lately, Angel, who is Sarah's best friend from basically forever. She has a boyfriend in the Marines, who is off at BCT right now, too, so we're going through basically the same things, and she's really nice to talk to. I hope she and I become closer friends.

You know who else I become closer friends with? Jason, Sarah's other best friend. He's really, really nice. And his blog is really entertaining--he posts a lot of amazing music, and some of his posts where he writes things are really inspiring. His blog about burying the castles and fairy tells that I wrote about last night inspired me to pick up my old blog again. I can't say the same for Dear Julio, because that kind of failed. I haven't written in it since, oh... The Fourth of July. Which, oddly enough, is the day that I started my diet. Hm. I swear the two aren't linked. I swear it.

Anyway. So I've been ranting to Caleb again today, about the usual--my family sucks. And then a bunch of other things, how it is waiting for the day when I can see Julio again, and the like. I feel like he's my blog sometimes. I type out all my feelings and he listens, barely responding, but he listens. And I adore that about him. He's getting to be a better and better friend every day that we talk.

So I started off my rant today about how my dad still isn't letting me get my video camera. All summer, he's persisted that I should get the money before I buy it, so that I won't have to pay him back for it. Honestly, he just didn't want to spend the unnecessary money. To me, this video camera is necessary. For one, to record Julio's graduation and all of the time we spend together while I'm in South Carolina. Two, we're doing a documentary of our fall semester this year, a bunch of friends and I, and we're calling it Operation Documentation. It's going to be a lot about marching band, but a lot of us in TBSigma and cooking in the kitchen of our house and things like that. Three, Mary and I have been talking about starting a webshow on YouTube about what marching band kids do in their spare time, which would also be great for the documentary!

But I think my dad hates me sometimes. Not literally, but you know what I mean. This whole thing that he's doing with the camera, basically, not letting me buy it but not saying "yes" or "no" he also did with the whole couch situation. For the house, we didn't have a couch, and I told the girls, since they were getting appliances, that I would work on a futon for like $100. And Dad never agreed. Luckily, Mary's boyfriend had a loveseat in the basement that he didn't need. It's better than nothing, but you know. We're still working on a table and chairs, too. But anyway.

When my dad and I have these "discussions," he usually aggravates me, and gets me really angry because he just doesn't agree or disagree to anything, and I think it's ridiculous. So he gets me so angry that I start yelling at him, which doesn't get me anywhere. But then I continue to get angry, and since I'm a very emotional woman these days, I start crying, which is worse. With my father, it's always "maybe" or "we'll see". He never bothers with a "yes" or "no" because he doesn't like making promises, or so he says. Usually "maybe" for him always means "no." Yum.

So since he wants me to have all the money for the camera, I did everything I possibly could. I contacted all the people who owe me money to see what I could get out of them, and they're going to try and get me as much as possible before I leave. I had over $500 off my final paycheck at Cedar Point, but Dad took the lot of it to pay for a credit card bill that he paid for me. About $50 was leftover that he gave me towards the camera. Without telling anyone, I sold my old laptop for parts on eBay, and got about $180 out of it after I pay for shipping, which is good. That brings us up to $230. I then pulled out all the cash I had in my piggy bank, which was around $40.56. That brought the total up to $270.56. That leaves me with $9.43 that I need to be able to buy this camera for $279.99 with free shipping off eBay. (On Amazon, the cost went up to $305! It's ridiculous!)

So to make up for that last sum of money, I'm selling the Sony Reader Touch that I never used, along with a case that I never put on it and a $50 gift card that I never redeemed on eBay. I'm starting the bidding at $100 and letting it run for 3 days, so I can get that money as soon as possible. The money from the laptop should be coming soon, I hope.

Hopefully I can round up some extra cash, too, because I'm going to try to get my dad to pay $180 plus 11% tax on my hotel to go see Julio, toss in about $100 for my food then, about $100 for food during band camp and hopefully around $50 a week during the school year since I don't have a meal plan and I'm going to have to buy all of my food. I also need a few things for the house still, including groceries. I'm going to try my hardest to get a job when I get down to Akron. There's nothing more I need right now than some extra cash! (Lucky for me, I don't each much these days since the diet, so I won't have to spend ALL of my money that Dad gives me, and I can save up for some stuff!)

I also need to get Mariana's birthday present, but I might have Mom loan me some cash to do that. I'll only need like $40, some for the t-shirt (and whatever else I get) and then all the candy and the basket. Basically, I hate money. Nothing more to it than that. I wish we could pay with something else, like food. God knows we have enough of that in my house.

So there's less than two weeks now until we move into the house. Two weeks until I leave on the vacation with the Juarez family. Two weeks and a day until I see Julio. Two weeks and two days until Julio graduates. Two weeks and three days until we drive him up to his AIT and possibly go to the beach for a while. And then two weeks and four days until band camp starts. It's crazy how time is sort of flying now that it's winding down. It's kind of slow still, seeing as it didn't fly like the first bit of the summer, while at CP, but Julio wrote me in one of his letters, "Only 29 days now, babe. Then it'll be 19 and then 9 and then we'll be in each other's arms." When the countdown was at 19, I looked back and I was like, it was 29 days only 10 days ago. That's pretty ridiculous. And now we're down to fifteen days until I get to see his smiling, round, scratchy, Mexican face that I love with my whole entire heart.

Julio says this is going to be our first vacation together. I guess it sort of makes sense. But I'll only count it as that if I get a moonlit walk under the stars with him on the night of his graduation, and then if we go to the beach when we drive up to Virginia to drop him off. I'll be able to know what we're going to do and what we have time for when I get his graduation packet in the mail--he said he sent it to me because he knew that I would understand it better than his parents, who only speak Spanish, but do speak some English. Enough to converse with me, sort of. Haha.

Apparently, Julio sent me another package in the mail, too, with some long-sleeved t-shirts with hoods, or something. There's also a hoodie for his dad in it that I have to remember to take when I go to see them. Hopefully they'll fit this time--Julio bought me a t-shirt last time that says, "I ♥ my soldier" and it was a size too small. He goes, "It's for a good reason, though!" And I was sort of upset that I couldn't wear it. I really wanted to. Hopefully I'll be able to fit into a "large" sized fitted t-shirt soon.

I'm getting really anxious to see him, though. In good ways and bad ways, but I'm trying not to think the bad thoughts anymore. Just the good. About how he'll hold me and hug me and kiss me and love me in front of everyone on-post with him. I feel like the days just can't go by quick enough. I want it to be August 9 already (because I don't want to miss the move-in! Haha.) I try to sleep in as late as I can to make the days go by a little bit faster. At the beginning of the being-home part of the summer, I was sleeping in until 12pm. Now I wake up at 9, 8, even 7:30am. It's getting ridiculous. The swollen lymph node is causing a lot of the problems, though. It fucking sucks. My throat is swelling and it feels like I can't swallow a thing. Which is sort of good for the diet, since it's flourishing now.

I'm actually, finally down to 205 for the first time in a long time. I'm hoping to get under 200 by the time I go to see Julio, and now I'm thinking that it's possible. Only 6 more pounds to go, and averaging 3 pounds a week, it doesn't look like it should be too much trouble as long as I keep eating right and do some sort of exercise here and there.

Julio and I made this bet before he left, that whoever lost the most weight while he was gone would get to choose where we'd go on our first vacation. He wants to go to Montana, to visit one of the guys from his platoon, which I think would be cool, as long as we could go horseback riding! I really want to get Julio on a horse one of these days. I think it would be fun to go horseback riding with him--plus it's so romantic! But anyway. You know I want to go somewhere exotic, like the Bahamas, but we just won't have the money to do something crazy like that. So I might ask my grandparents if we could borrow the condo in Florida and stay for a week or two and just hang out down at the pool, the beach, and I could show him all of the local restaurants that I love… It would be fun. We'd drive down, though, of course.

So, Julio told me that he's lost 20 pounds already, down to 206, last I heard, sometime mid-last week. I weighed 206 yesterday, and now I'm down to 205! I've lost a total of 8 pounds since my diet actually started, and I'm halfway to beating Julio. I'm proud. I started getting crazy about it since I realised he weighed less than I did. There is no way that I want to weigh more than my boyfriend. I want to be able to sit on his lap without snapping him in half, you know?

Daily, I eat a cereal bar for breakfast, a protein shake for lunch, a substantial dinner with a dessert on some days, and then a snack or two depending on whether I'm super hungry or not. The stuff that I eat has a lot of protein and fiber in it so that I stay full longer. I've cut out pop, fast food, most sweets (but I do have the occasional piece of chocolate!), overeating, impulse eating, snacking, and eating because I'm bored. Instead, I read and drink lots of water to keep myself full. And if my body tells me I'm hungry, then I have a little, low-calorie but fiber-full snack that'll keep me satiated until I need to eat again.

I feel like Julio will be losing less weight at AIT and I know I'll be losing more during marching band season, so I think I'll be able to catch up to him. I'm so excited to win. Not only that, but I'm excited that marching band is about to start, I'm about to see and kiss and hug Julio, and I'm going to be starting my new degree. Life is getting better and better as I think about the positives. I think this diet is making me a better person, too, as is Julio being away and in the Army. I'm noticing a lot of changes about him, as well. He's respecting his life and his family and his body more than he ever did, and I'm very proud of him. This is one of the first times in his life he's been able to be told how proud the people in his life are of him, and how proud he is of himself. He's doing an incredible thing, and as much as I might dread him being away, and as much as I might dread the thought of him leaving so soon after being home, I love him and I'm proud of him and I know that he's an amazing, strong, incredible person. Not everybody could join the Army and make it through the Highlanders' BCT. He's more than I could ever ask for.

If ever there was a sweeter, more wonderful boy on the planet, I would be unaware. Julio Cesar Juarez, you're more incredible than words can explain. ♥

9:55 PM

Monday, July 26, 2010

I got a phone call from Julio today. I thought I missed it at first, and then he called back after he talked to his mom. I couldn't have been more excited. I've been having breakdowns lately, and to hear his voice just made my heart melt. What made my heart break was when he told me that he got a letter that said he might have to go overseas within the first six months of him being home after his AIT. He'll barely be home, and then he'll have to leave. Granted, it's not set in stone yet, because nothing in the Army is, but it's just the thought of it that hurts.

We talked about a bunch of things. He's sending me his graduation packet instead of his parents, because he thinks they wouldn't understand. So that's okay by me. He also sent me a package, and that should be coming soon. (With some long-sleeved t-shirts with hoods or something, if I understood correctly.) And he also told me about how the power was out down there and that's pretty much why they got to call. There are some bad storms rolling through the country; we had some a few days ago.

But he also brought up the subject of a panicky letter that I wrote him last week. I almost broke up with him in it. He starts the conversation off with, "And babe, why are you being so emo? Don't be so emo on me." I didn't know what he was talking about, and then he mentioned the letter. I was instantly embarrassed, because I'd forgotten I'd sent it because I sent an apology that made me forget about it. But I felt horrible that I'd sent that letter--and worse? I sent another like it yesterday, but not nearly as depressing and emo.

I had a nice conversation with Caleb about a lot of the things that I've been feeling. It was on Skype, so it's going to look a little awkward, but I'm going to post it here, and that's how I'm going to end this post, because I don't have much else to say tonight.

Nicole: I GOT A PHONE CALL. -dances-
Caleb: Awesome!! What all did he have to say?
Nicole: That he's okay and everything's going well and so far he's on track to graduate; all he has to do is pass the last PT test which he's kind of worried about because he hasn't done 42 push-ups, 73 sit ups and he hasn't yet run 2 miles in under 15 minutes.
Nicole: Those are the requirements. More or less on the situps, I forgot that number.
Caleb: I see. How far off track there is he?
Nicole: I don't know. His last 2-mile was 16:14.
Nicole: He's done over 100 sit ups before, but with only 20 or 30 something push ups.
Nicole: And that PT test is in two days. DX
Nicole: But I told him to push himself on the run and I know he can do it.
Caleb: That's not too bad then. I'm sure he can force himself through it.
Caleb: Hey, that's what I was going to say! hahahah.
Nicole: XD
Nicole: Remember how I freaked out really bad last night?
Caleb: Yeah.
Nicole: I had a freak-out like that about a week or so ago, but it was twenty times worse, and I didn't talk to anyone about it.
Nicole: Instead, I wrote Julio a letter.
Caleb: What all did it say? Did he talk about it today?
Nicole: Yes.
Nicole: And I had forgotten about it.
Nicole: And I felt horrible.
Nicole: So. So horrible.
Caleb: Why?
Caleb: Talk.
Caleb: =]
Nicole: Okay.
Nicole: So.
Nicole: The letter.
Nicole: It said how I was having trouble coping with him being gone.
Nicole: And how it was getting harder and harder as the wait time grew less and less.
Nicole: And then I realised after only getting to see him for three days, I'll have to wait another four months before he actually gets to come home and spend time with me.
Nicole: And these past two months have been the hardest I've had to endure in my entire life.
Nicole: And I told him I didn't know if I could wait that much longer.
[Nicole: And I assured him of how much I love him.
Nicole: And some other things that I can't remember; but I sort of just rambled on about things that sucked.
Nicole: And I told him that if he didn't want to be with me anymore, either, that I understood.
Nicole: And I sort of left the letter like that.
Nicole: And then the next day I wrote an apology letter for my actions and thoughts.
Nicole: And I just started all these messages with 'and' and that sort of bothers me, because you're never supposed to start a sentence with 'and.'
Nicole: But anyway. (You shouldn't start a sentence with 'but' either...)
Nicole: I apologised in that next letter.
Nicole: And (ugh) he brought it up on the phone today.
Nicole: "What was with that letter you sent me? You almost broke up with me."
Nicole: -nervous chuckle- "Yeah, I, um... I don't really know..." -trails off-
Nicole: "Is everything okay?"
Nicole: -chuckles again- "Yeah. But, uh. You may get another letter like that soon. But not horrible like the first one..."
Nicole: "Why are you getting all emo on me, babe?"
Nicole: "I'm not getting emo. I just miss you."
Nicole: "You'll see me soon."
Nicole: "i know."
Nicole: etc, etc.
Caleb: I see.
Caleb: That's a lot of stuff.
Caleb: So, you guys are okay then, right? Still together and happy and whatnot? And he understands what you're going through?
Nicole: I would hope so.
Nicole: We only had ten minutes to talk, so we didn't get to discuss much.
Nicole: But I'm going to write him a really, really, long, apologetic letter and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me.
Nicole: And how stupid I've been being.
Nicole: Do you know what he told me, Caleb?
Nicole: "I got a letter the other day..."
Nicole: "You get lots of letters."
Nicole: "Yeah, mostly from you, and I've only written like three other people once or twice."
Nicole: "Anyway."
Nicole: "So this letter. It said that the Army really needs aviation people overseas."
Nicole: "Yeah?"
Nicole: "Yeah. And you know I'll be working with helicopters."
Nicole: "Yeah."
Nicole: "And they told me that I might be deployed within six months of coming home."
Nicole: "..."
Nicole: "Yeah."
Nicole: "Six months?"
Nicole: "I can't help it."
Nicole: "But you wouldn't even be home that long..."
Nicole: "It's not my fault, babe."
Nicole: I think at that point is when I started crying.
Nicole: Silently, of course. He hates when I cry.
Nicole: (That's why I do all my crying while he's away! xD)
Nicole: "I guess it's okay," I told him.
Nicole: "Well it has to be. I would have to go."
Nicole: "I know. I understand. I'm proud of you."
Nicole: "Thanks, babe."
Nicole: Did you get any of that?
Caleb: So, he is going?
Nicole: Probably.
Nicole: He's unsure.
Nicole: He said "it's likely/a possibility".
Nicole: Like, he said all these phrases of uncertainty. Because nothing is certain with the Army.
Nicole: I just know that if signs up Active, I'll kick him in the balls. And I don't care if we won't have children.
Nicole: I do not want an Active guardsman as a husband.
Nicole: I can't handle him being away that much.
Nicole: Fucking two months is destroying me.
Caleb: Okay. My computer was being dumb for s second, sorry. Stupid Army and it's uncertainties. I bet, sounds rough.
Nicole: The worst part is that I have nobody to talk to about it that understands.
Nicole: You're on my side because you're my best friend.
Nicole: You and all my friends that I talk to about this. (Though you're probably the only one that doesn't get annoyed with all I talk about him...)
Nicole: I want someone to understand how I feel.
Nicole: And tell me how to make it better.
Nicole: I feel like he took my heart away with him.
Caleb: He did.
Caleb: He left you his too, did he not?
Nicole: I mean literally.
Nicole: Like. There's a hole in my chest.
Caleb: Yeah, I know. It sucks monkey balls.
Nicole: I just don't know what to do.
Nicole: I'll get to see him, I know.
Nicole: But what happens after that?
Caleb: But hey, it happens. You just have to enjoy every second concerning him that much more.
Nicole: And he freaking spent $400 on Army clothes, so I doubt he'll have enough for a computer to talk to me.
Nicole: I know.
Caleb: After that? You just hold on those moments until you see him again.
Nicole: Can't I just hold onto him?
Nicole: Physically?
Nicole: I miss the feel of him.
Nicole: I don't remember what he feels like.
Nicole: And you know what sucks?
Nicole: He won't feel the same.
Nicole: He'll feel different.
Nicole: More muscular, slightly leaner.
Nicole: I liked my teddy bear.
Nicole: He was soft and plush. XD
Caleb: hahahah. This is all true, but it's bound to happen. He will still be the same person, and he will feel more familiar than you think.
Nicole: No.
Nicole: He's a different person.
Nicole: I wish you could read his letters.
Nicole: From the first day to yesterady.
Nicole: yesterday*
Nicole: They're so different from one another.
Nicole: He respects his life and his body and his family and his friends and his training.
Nicole: Though he hates it like hell over there, he's learning a lot and he appreciates it.
Nicole: He likes what he's doing and he's proud of himself--that's the first time i've ever heard him say that.
Caleb: That's a good thing though, isn't it?
Nicole: It's incredible.
Nicole: I know he's changed for the better.
Nicole: His only problem is that he cusses every fifth word.
Nicole: Army thing, though. Understandable.
Caleb: Yeah, and once he gets around you for a while, that will calm down some.
Nicole: I hope.
Nicole: But I mean, that's not really a big problem, because I curse, too.
Nicole: But he doesn't like it.
Nicole: I know that he loves me, though, which should be enough, shouldn't it?
Caleb: Yeah, most everyone does. I do a lot more than I should.
Nicole: To know that I'm the only person he constantly writes and he calls me more than his mom.
Nicole: That's ridiculous.
Nicole: Like...
Nicole: I know I mean a lot to him.
Nicole: He means a lot to me.
Nicole: And I feel shitty thinking it, but I need more.
Nicole: I need him here.
Nicole: And it sucks.
Caleb: That's not shitty at all. It's just how you feel. I'm sure he feels the exact same way, especially since he talks to you more than his own mother.
Nicole: He just hates writing and speaking Spanish.
Nicole: I don't know why--I think it's amazing that he can do that.
Nicole: I can't. I almost failed high school because of Spanish.
Caleb: Spanish and I didn't get along either.
Caleb: Regardless, it still means something.
Nicole: I know.
Nicole: I know it does.
Nicole: And I love him for talking to me so much.
Nicole: But I feel so selfish.
Nicole: For needing him here.
Nicole: And don't get me wrong, he's doing an incredible thing, and I'm so proud of him.
Nicole: I could never do what he's doing, as much as I've thought about trying.
Nicole: I could never.
Nicole: But I want him.
Nicole: When he told me about the thing when he said he might be leaving after six months of being home, do you know what else he said?
Caleb: That's not selfish. That's love.
Caleb: What else did he say?
Nicole: "If I end up having to leave for a year after only being home for a little bit, you know I'd marry you sometime in those six months."
Nicole: "You would?"
Nicole: "Yeah, if you'd want to."
Nicole: "Well, I would, but I don't know how that would go with my parents. I'd only be 20, and I'd still have a year of school left."
Nicole: "Well. It's a thought. You know I love you and I'm going to be with you forever no matter what."
Nicole: "I do. And I love you too. Do you have to leave that soon?"
Nicole: "Well, if I go back to school, it's less likely, but I don't know yet."
Nicole: "I see."
Nicole: And then the conversation changed.
Nicole: Caleb, he said he'd marry me.
Nicole: Like, next summer.
Nicole: That's when his cousin is getting married.
Nicole: I don't want to steal their thunder. They just got engaged around Christmas.
Nicole: Well. Maybe sometime after. Like my birthday-ish.
Nicole: But. Do you believe that?
Nicole: He'd do that for ME.
Nicole: (Also, he'd get paid like an extra $250 a month while overseas, plus more for the bills I'd have to pay if we moved in together.)
Caleb: Do you have any idea how sweet that is?
Caleb: I seriously teared up.
Caleb: jk
Caleb: Thank you for that!!
Nicole: Damn. I thought you did.
Nicole: Haha. Thank you for what?
Caleb: My damn internets is sucking so much ass right now!
Caleb: Thank you for making me tear up from sweetness
Nicole: XD
Nicole: I only do nice things for my best friend. [:
Caleb: hahah. Yes, you do.
Caleb: I do believe that though.
Nicole: Believe what?
Caleb: That he would want to do that.
Nicole: So do I. You know, we've been talking about it for a while.
Nicole: Like. I was so embarrassed even thinking about that; we haven't been together a year yet.
Nicole: And damn him for missing that glorious anniversary.
Caleb: Yeah, it happens. Don't be embarrassed though.
Nicole: I was at first.
Nicole: Because to be incredibly honest, I'm not one for falling in love.
Nicole: I haven't had any long relationships. I had one. And it was with an internet boy.
Nicole: And I did have one real long relationship, but it lasted nine months and he broke up with me because I was too bossy.
Nicole: That was in ninth grade.
Nicole: And in all those relationships, it took me forever before I could tell those people that I loved them.
Nicole: For. Ever.
Nicole: But everything in mine and Julio's relationship moved so, so fast.
Nicole: We started making out on our first date halfway through the first half of the movie that we sat through before leaving, making out in his car, and then him coming up to my dorm room and other events ensuing.
Nicole: We didn't have sex the first night, and we didn't have sex the second night, either (when we had our second date, to go to the movies again with a couple of my friends). He spent the night and we did everything but.
Nicole: I don't remember when it was that we first actually hooked up, but I know it didn't take too long.
Nicole: The point? I think he told me he loved me sometime around 4am on the second night.
Nicole: That week he stayed in my room one night until like 3am and we laid in my bed fully clothed with the blankets on, freezing and we told each other our deepest, darkest secrets.
Nicole: And then the future started coming up, after a few times where he tried to break up with me.
Nicole: And he realised, I thought, that we were meant to be together. So we talked about marriage and children and our lives together. Early on. Within the first couple months, maybe.
Nicole: And then talking about the future scared him and we almost broke up again. And then there was the whole crap about him wanting to be single.
Nicole: And then... He joined the Army.
Nicole: It was around that time where he started realising what he really wanted in his life.
Nicole: And I guess I should really be thankful that he did, because if he didn't, I don't know if we'd still be togehter.
Nicole: And now he knows discipline and strength and courage and his greatest fears all at the same time, and that's basically what a future with me entails. (Haha.)
Nicole: So I do want to marry him.
Nicole: I would have married him before he left.
Nicole: I would marry him when he comes home.
Nicole: I'd wait until I've 75 to marry him, as long as we're together throughout our whole lives.
Nicole: Marriage, to me, is just benefits and extra pay at this point.
Nicole: He's already tied to me for life. He promised.
Nicole: The necklace he gave me. That's his promise. He's promised in his letters, with his heart.
Nicole: He cried the night before he left. He held me and he cried.
Caleb: And part of that is wanting to marry you apparently.
Nicole: Apparently. XD
Nicole: Sorry. I ramble.

9:18 PM

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I wish I would have been more persistant about updating this stupid thing. I know for a fact I need somewhere to rant. I had that other blog for a while, where I was writing Julio letters every day, but then that got tedious because there were days that I would miss and then I didn't know what to do--so I would recall everything that I could and I would fake that post and then it would just get messy.

But now I remember why I'm so horrible at updating this thing. Firstly, I always forget to check it to even update. And then second, when I start updating, something distracts me, and I forget what I was saying, and then I don't feel like typing anymore. I just think it's worthless having to explain everything to nobody who reads this.

Then again, it's good for ranting. And rambling about things that only make sense to me. I just wish I would have thought of updating you know, at the beginning of Julio's leave for basic. It upsets me horribly how he's been away for so long. He'll have left two months ago come August 1. And there will still be four months and four days before he comes home. I know that it was hard to handle going through the summer without seeing him, mainly because I wasn't doing anything and it was my first long period of time away from him.

But the worst part, hands down, is the fact that he has no communication with me other than letters. I get maybe two or three letters a week. This past week, I got seriously lucky, and I received seven letters from him. It was incredible. Even better? They switched to Blue Phase this weekend, and we're supposed to get phone calls. Well. They were supposed to come today. But they didn't. Never have I ever been so anxious to get a phone call in my life. But I've been sitting near my phone with it on high ring, or I've been clutching it tight in my hand while it's on vibrate. All. Freaking. Day. I thought I was going to get a call today. Here's to hoping I'll get one tomorrow. I just want him home. I want to see him, hear his voice, give him a hug and a kiss. I miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine.

How am I going to cope when he goes overseas for a year's worth of deployment when the time comes? Hopefully it won't be for combat...

There's just a whole bunch of shit that sucks right now. This whole summer has been major suckage. Nobody from Akron lives by me. Nowhere within 30 minutes. It seriously sucks. I've spent my entire summer sitting on my ass at the computer or reading books. The first part of the summer was okay while I was working at Cedar Point, but after things started sucking worse than whores, I quit and came home. Sometimes I wish I was still there--at least I'd get paid to have a horrid summer. And maybe I'd have money to buy a freaking camera since Dan still hasn't paid me back and Elise probably changed her mind about buying my reader.

I just fucking need money.

So not only do I need money, I need better friends. I know that my best friends are trying to help me cope with Julio being away, but some of them are just making things worse. Nils even played a nasty joke on me today, and it really hurt. It made me completely break.

All the stress that I've been through--about the couch, Julio being away, moving out, band camp, moving in, my siblings, everything... It all blew up. And now I can't stop crying or feeling like crying. I just want Julio to come home. Either that, or these next two weeks just need to fly the fuck by. I can't wait another eighteen days. This is getting so out of hand. I miss him so much. I don't think he realises how much I actually need him by my side.

Lucky for me, he's planning on marrying me. Thank God. I don't know what I would do if this one got away. You should read some of the letters he sends me. They prove to me how much he loves me... But I'm still nervous about what it will be like to go see him in two weeks... Will he still love me in person the way he did before he left for basic?

He's changed so much, and I haven't changed at all... Am I still what he wants? I don't know anymore. I just want him here, even if he doesn't want me anymore. Well. I would care if he didn't want me anymore... I need him in every way. He's the love of my life, and I won't get through if he ends up leaving me. I love him with everything I have.

Julio, don't leave me.

11:33 AM

Saturday, February 6, 2010

So I'm laying on the floor in Julio's room typing this because I've been away for like two hours now, and I have nothing else to do since I've already written an Examiner article, did my quote site, and updated Facebook twelve times.

So I'm going to rant again. That's how I do, right? XD

Last night, Julio was talking to me again. You know about the thing where he says that he still wants to be single. He started it off with, "I love you. But..." And I knew it was coming right then, from the look on his face and the tone of his voice. There's nothing else that could've came out of his mouth at that moment except for what did.

He goes on to say that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever and he even wants to marry me, but he feels like sometimes he just would rather be single. Like, he loves me, but he wants to be without the title of "boyfriend" for a while. Now, I guess I understand this, but it still hurt. And I was afraid that we were going to break up, or possibly break up again. Luckily after he said all that he goes, "I really don't want to break up. I just wanted to tell you this because you told me to tell you when I start thinking about this again." Yeah, I told him that. But I thought it was just a phase, and that it was going away.

Now I don't know what to do. I got upset and was trying to hold back tears. And it worked for a while. And then when we got into his house and actually laid down and started cuddling, we started talking again. And he asked me what was wrong, because he's good and is able to tell when something is bothering me. So I told him that I was just trying to come up with a solution that wouldn't hurt me. And he told me again that he didn't want to break up.

So we cuddled some more, and then something else happened that I don't remember, but I know that it made me mad at him and I didn't want to cuddle anymore, but he was forcefully holding me, and I couldn't get him off. So I just moved to the edge of the bed and waited for him to let me go. And when he did, I just stayed there and tried to fall asleep. I eventually did, but I kept waking up because I would almost fall off the bed. And why did I almost fall off the bed every hour or two? Because Julio was hogging the rest of it. So after a while I just said screw it and got up to do some stuff.

And that puts me here, with him tossing and turning up there, and not bothering to say anything to me, even an apology. So. Yeah. That's about it. Because now I have nothing else to say, but I have to pretend that I'm doing something so I'll look busy to him and he won't bother me until he apologises. But I have nothing to say, so I guess I'm just going to stop here. Ugh.

5:19 PM

Friday, February 5, 2010

So I'm sitting in the student union playing Magic with a bunch of other nerds, because that's what we do on Friday nights--we just have Magic tournaments. And granted, they're not really tournaments, but it's just a bunch of kids that get together and play Magic. If you don't think I'm a nerd now, seriously, you've got another thing coming. I'm a big nerd, especially when it comes to Magic. I've spent a good at least five hundred dollars on Magic cards within the last five months. It's ridiculous. I blame Julio for making me learn how to play.

The only reason he made me learn how to play was because when we first started dating, he would ask me to buy him cards. The first set of cards that I bought him was the dual decks for Liliana vs. Garruk. It was twenty bucks and came with two pre-made decks. It was actually a pretty good deal. But after I bought him that first set of cards, he would continue to ask me to just buy him cards. And I would do it, because I was a nice girlfriend. But after a little while, I got pissed and told him that I wasn't going to buy him anymore cards because I hated wasting all that money. I could use it on more important things.

So then Julio decided that to make it so that I would want to buy him cards, that he would teach me how to play. So he taught me by making me read this pamphlet on Magic, and I learned instantly. It's weird, because Magic is a really hard card game to learn how to play. But he let me play with one of his decks and I would just ask questions, and he would teach me. And I started to get really good. My vampire deck is currently the best out of every deck we have, no matter what. We share cards now, which is why I'm willing to drop a hundred dollars, monthly, on a booster box.

But the point of this post is to say that I'm pissed. I'm seriously angry right now. I dropped a hundred dollars on a booster box for our draft today. Now, I got paid back from everyone for their share, but I ended up with pretty shitty cards. I had a feeling, so I'd bought the vampire intro pack as well, and I ended up with every single vampire card from the Worldwake box. Except for one. And Andrew got it! So he'd told me a few days ago, that if he got the creature, he'd trade it to me. And last night, Julio had traded Kevin, the same guy that's teaching me trombone, for three of this card that Andrew really wants. So I was planning on trading that card for the vampire.

Now Andrew is having second thoughts. His girlfriend runs a vampire deck too, so he figured he'd give it to her... Unless I toss over my best card. I only have two of him, and it was by chance that I got the second one. AND I WANT IT. But I'm willing to trade it so that I can make my vampire deck unbeatable, even though losing this card would make that less likely. I just want this vampire card so bad...

And Julio won't let me trade. Not at all.

I know this probably means nothing to you, but considering that there are eight of us here to play Magic, and I'm the only one that's not playing, and being entirely ignored because everyone else here is male, and Caleb had to leave... It's not fair.

It's not fair at all.

I realise that I'm jealous and just a bitch, but I want to play! And not only do I want to play, but I want that fucking card! And I want my boyfriend to be a hell of a lot less controlling. I bought him all those goddamn cards that he traded, and now he won't let me trade one when he has three. You don't need three of one card. That's fucking stupid.

I'm just pissed. So this was an angry post to explain how pissed I am. And I really want to just continue to angrily type, but that's slightly impossible right now, seeing as I want to play, and being on here would make everyone think that I don't want to play.

I've looked bored, annoyed, angry, everything that I can think of. I've been on the computer four times, checked Facebook every second I get, read all the new cards we got all the way through, and wrote this post.

And nobody has said anything to me.

I want Caleb back. At least he pays attention to me.

9:22 AM

I really wish I would update this thing more. I guess since my last update, I've kind of forgotten about it. I know that I wanted to update it ever day, but as a music major, that's seemingly impossible. I spend too much time practising and studying to really update this all the time, but I feel like I need an out in life, so I'm going to update this as much as I can from now on. I would hope, at least. I mean, nobody really reads this anyway, so there's no point to keep it, but if I'm using it as an out, then I guess it's good for me.

Nothing much has happened since I last updated. Julio and I are still together. We're actually celebrating our five month anniversary today, so that's pretty cool. And he taught me how to play Magic: The Gathering, the trading card game. I'm an official nerd now, but it's so much fun. We're drafting the newest booster box tonight, Worldwake. But you probably don't care. Then again, this isn't your blog, so I'm going to talk about whatever I want.

I did some trading of cards with Kevin yesterday, who I'm also taking trombone lessons from. I guess he has this big studio project, and I get trombone lessons for free out of it. The only catch is that I'd have to play fr his studio class at the end of the semester. Things are going pretty well right now, so I'm not too nervous. But I think that if this works out well, I might stick with the trombone and play it in U Band next semester. Might be fun.

Since about mid-way through last semester, I've bee staying nights at Julio's house. Mostly because Madison has been having Dante stay in our room with her, and that's cool with me, as long as they're not doing stuff. I definitely walked in on them having sex the other day, and I can tell you, that's not something I've wanted to walk in on. Dx

But the point is, I stayed in the dorm last night because Julio had to stay the night in Cleveland. See, he joined the National Guard before winter break, to help pay for school, and he went through his first couple tests and whatnot, and today was his final test to see if he got in for good. He's mostly worried about the weight portion, because his waist has to be a certain size for what the circumference of his neck is. He's been running and doing lots of sit-ups, so I really hope that he gets in. He's probably finishing up his tests right now, and I'm really nervous for him. At first, I wasn't so big on the idea of him joining, because I never knew my opinion about the military, but now he and I have talked and I have a pretty good idea about where I stand. The only thing is, he has to leave for six months starting in the beginning of June, and it's going to be so different without him. He won't be coming back until Christmas. /=

I still can't get over this whole college thing. I mean, okay, I failed a couple of my classes last semester, so I'm going to have to kind of restart being a music major in a couple categories. Mainly, theory and piano. The two classes that I knew I would pass. Know why I failed? Because I wouldn't go to class. Julio was skipping, and I was staying at his house, so if he didn't get up, neither did I. Well. Now that he's not taking classes this semester, I can't blame any of it on him, so I've taken to getting myself out of bed and going to school. Granted, my first class starts at 11am instead of 8:50am like it did last semester, so I don't have to get up as early, but still. I'm doing it.

I've also managed to get in practise on the flute ever single day. I'm striving for about an hour of practise ever day, and hopefully by next semester, I'll have about two hours a day, which will be perfect for the whole me being a music major ordeal.

I just have so much going on in my life, it's hard to summarise it. I wish I would've been able to keep this up for the few months that I haven't posted, because I wish I'd documented some of the things I was going through. Like how Julio and I almost broke up about four times, and the first time that happened, we actually did, for about an hour before he realised that he doesn't want to be without me. Or that Sarah misses me, and I almost had a breakdown the last time Julio and I almost broke up, because it was my fault that time, for missing Sarah, too.

But those are all other stories for different days. I've gotta get some other stuff done right now. XD

12:17 AM

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Today has been... The greatest day ever. I really don't know how else to explain it. I mean, of course there were things that went wrong here and there, like always, but in the end, it was just an incredible day. At least, an incredible ending to a relatively normal day.

I don't even have anything to say about the "day" part of my day. I mean, class, nap, lunch, hanging around with Julio, University Band, and then more hanging around with Julio, Paul included this time, until he left to go write a paper. There was nothing special about today, until the conclusion.

Julio and I retired to my dorm room after University Band rehearsal, because that's what we usually do. It's become a sort of routine since we started dating, and it's always fun. Sometimes we'll lay in my bed and talk, or sleep for a little, and other times we'll goof off and have tickle fights or, like today, we'll play two-player games on my iTouch and I'll beat him in everything so bad that he just doesn't want to play games anymore. I'm just that good.

I've never had so much fun with him before. I mean, I've had lots of fun with him in previous times, but tonight had to be one of the greatest ever. After I kicked his butt in as many games as I could, he spent a little time on my computer checking his Facebook (since his computer at home is broken) and then we switched, and I checked mine and he ate sunflower seeds. Because that's what he does. He has like, a stash of sunflower seeds in the corner of my room. And they get ALL OVER the floor. Madison's only problem with him is that he makes the room a mess with them. Lol.

Anyway. So when I was done, I sat down in his lap and we played a couple more games on my iTouch until we realised how late it was, and that he had to be home soon. I usually walk him downstairs and out to his car, because he parks at the deck that's farthest away from my dorm because his class is in Olin.

It's freezing outside--I was wearing one of his many zip-up hoodies that he's left in my room, and my new peacoat. I'm also dawning a pair of trashed up sweatpants and a Royalton Rocks! tshirt. I just wanted to be comfy and warm--that's how I roll.

We're walking and holding hands and talking and he's saying the sweetest things. He goes, "You know, we have so much in common," and we start naming off things that we like the same, or that we do the same, or something like that. And he told me how excited he was that we're going to Cedar Point on Saturday, and we also had a conversation about how he thought I was so cute today, and I told him I was just being selfish and blah, blah, blah... That ended up in something about how we're both just jealous people and something or other... Anyway.

We keep walking and the conversation switches to weddings. He goes, "Would it be weird to have a red wedding?" And I said no way. Our favourite color is red, both of us. I told him all of these plans that I have for my wedding, and he's laughing at me and telling me things he has planned, and then he tells me a story about how his favourite flower came to be the lily. It was kind of cute.

Then we get to his car and he kisses me a couple times, and then we get in and drive to the cripple parking lot, where he always drops me off. The whole car ride, we're listening to our song, and I'm just having a blast, because I like him so much, and I love being around him. He's just an incredible person, and I'm so, so lucky. Screw the people who don't like him--he's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and that's what matters. <3

He pulls alongside the curb outside where my dorm is, and we kiss again, and he's singing me the next song that came onto his iPod--another love song, and it's the cutest thing ever, because he sucks at singing, but I don't even care, because when he sings to me, it's the most perfect voice I've ever heard. Liking someone this much can really do that to you.

We're sitting in his car for a good seven minutes and he decides to pull into a space and put his flashers on so he can stop wasting gas. And I kid you not, we sit there for twenty more minutes kissing, him singing me love songs and cuddling with me and holding my hand--and for that half hour that I was with him in his car, I was the happiest girl on the planet. He makes my heart flutter and bounce around and... He's done so much for me, I can't even bring myself to say everything he's done already.

I just hope that I'm able to give enough back to him. I don't want to lose him.

This one's a keeper. [:

11:34 PM

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I know I haven't updated this thing in basically forever, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of blogging once again, and I figure, what better time than right now, when my friendships are falling to pieces?

I hate being dropped like a bomb. I really hate it. And I can see why they don't want to hang out with me anymore--because I spend so much time with Julio--but to be incredibly honest, our relationship started so fast that I'm still getting to know him. And I'll never know everything about him, but seriously.

So. Long story short, I've noticed--and so has Julio--that since we started dating, I've kind of been neglecting my friends. But it hasn't been bad at all. We still had lunch together, and we'd hang out and walk to class together and have fun during marching band and everything, but all of a sudden, things just stopped.

I stopped getting invited out with them, and they've stopped talking to me as a whole. They don't even want to eat lunch with me anymore--Julio and I were going to sit with them for lunch yesterday before we had to go to the football game, but I decided against it, since when I asked to sit there, they didn't seem so enthused about letting me. So we sat at a table near them, and I realised that I was completely ignored. And everything they talked about were things that I wasn't in on. And I feel so horribly left out.

I know I'm complaining a lot, and this is probably incredibly ridiculous, but I feel like crap. Caroline was my best friend when I first started college, and the one day where I tried to patch things up--especially with her--she was silent and uncaring. Steph has been skipping the classes we have together, religiously, and then blaming it on the fact that she's sick, or that she forgot, or she got the times mixed up, or something. It's the eighth week of the semester now, I'm pretty sure that she hasn't mixed up or forgotten any of them.

I don't really have a problem with Terri, as she still talks to me whenever we see each other, and she even texts me sometimes. Annie completely ignores my texts and whenever I go to make a comment to her, it's kind of shrugged aside. These four girls were some of my best friends when I got here--we were flute buddies. And now we don't even talk. And it hurts. It really bothers me.

They go to the mall, they go ice skating, they go swimming at the rec, they go bowling in the student union--and I'm never invited. I know I'm such a sourpuss for complaining like this, and I know it's my fault for spending so much time with Julio that they sort of forget about me, but I've had a lot of time free lately; Julio and I have stopped spending so much time together, and I'm spending more and more time alone.

I've realised that my boyfriend is my only friend anymore.

What did I do, and how can I fix it?

1:39 PM

Monday, September 7, 2009

I can't even begin to tell you what I feel when I'm with Julio. I'm not going to lie. I was seriously iffy about this whole thing when I first went out on that date with him Saturday night, but we had a blast and I can't help liking him this much. We hung out again yesterday; he and a couple of my other friends and I went to go see Halloween 2--another horrible scary movie. Julio hates scary movies and really, really didn't want to go see it, but I finally convinced him and he came. And he wasn't even scared. It was that bad.

After the movie, we all just went home. It was late, around 1am, and Julio crashed in my dorm. Dante and Madison were spending the night at her house, because she wasn't feeling well. We had the best time ever. He's so easy to talk to, and we have so much in common, and it's just... Amazing. I don't even know how to explain it.

And that's all I really have to say, because there's not much more to it.

Thanks, Mike, for being so goddamn awesome and giving me the best advice ever. [:

10:21 AM

Sunday, September 6, 2009

So much for not starting things too quickly. I'm not really mad at myself for letting things fall into place. I mean, it's a good thing, right? I've almost entirely forgotten how much I liked Paul. I've never said this before, but Mike, you're really smart sometimes. xD

Julio is the boy that's been talking to me. And the other day, he asked me to hang out one night. It didn't really sound like a date--more like friends hanging out. And I was okay with that. But then we started talking--REALLY talking. To the point where we didn't spend a second not talking to one another, whether it was through texting or on AIM or Facebook, or whatever. And I've learned so much about him, it's crazy. And we have so much in common. I was a little weirded out at first.

Yesterday, we were texting, and he goes, "You know, I'm leaning towards this being our first date instead of just hanging out." I was a little iffy at first, but I was really starting to like him. I guess you wouldn't understand, because you don't know the whole story, but that's because I haven't had time to post, because I've been with Julio. [:

We went to see Transformers 2 last night. I've already seen it before, and he'd told me that he hadn't. We talked a whole lot on the car ride there, and the second we got on the highway, he took my hand. It was really, really sweet. I enjoyed it.

When we get to the movie theatre, he pays for my ticket, and then we walk into the theatre, and the second we sit down, he puts his arm around me. I kind of leaned in and we sat there like that for a couple of minutes. We joked a little bit about the movie, because there's that first scene with Megan Fox on the bike, and I'd told him earlier about how Megan Fox used to be a man and stuff like that. So we were joking.

And the movie goes on, and then he kisses my shoulder. And then my cheek. And he does this a couple more times, and I'm kind of trying to keep my head turned a little so he can't reach my lips. I told him that I didn't want things to move too quickly, and I mean, I guess kissing on the first date isn't that quickly, but I'm not really a fan of kissing in a packed movie theatre.

After a couple minutes, I give in and let him kiss me. And it was nice. Really, really nice. He's got really soft lips--probably from playing saxophone. XD

And so the movie goes on, and we kiss a couple more times, and I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of getting bored with the movie, because the first time I saw it, I didn't like it, and whatever. So we kiss a little more. And then we have popcorn thrown at us. It was pretty funny, actually. But that gave me the push to tell him that I was bored. And then he asked me if I wanted to leave early. I said yes, and then we left.

The car ride back was sweet, too. It was actually kind of funny. He was holding my hand again, and we're driving, and I just asked him, "So are we a thing now?" He looks at me and goes, "Do you want to be?" So I smiled and shrugged, returning the question. He said that of course he wants to be. So being the smartass that I am, I told him that he had to ask me. So he goes, "Do you want to be a thing?" And I go, "No, that's not how you ask!" So he sighs and goes, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" That satisfied me. So I said yes.

I don't think he stopped smiling the whole way home.

So when we got back, he came up to my dorm room and sat and talked and cuddled and kissed for a couple of hours. We talk about a lot. And we make a lot of jokes. I like guys that will make jokes with me. [:

Madison came back sometime around eleven, and the three of us were talking and stuff, and then he left around midnight. I walked him out to his car, and then walked back to the dorm on my own.

I have to say--this was one of the best nights of my life. [:

11:09 AM

Friday, September 4, 2009

I've realised that liking your best friend, is not that easy. Especially when your best friend has a girlfriend, is basically in love with his girlfriend, and doesn't see them breaking up, ever. I've learned that it's incredibly smart to try and make yourself get over that little crush as quick as possible. But I also know that it's not really hard to try and forget someone that you like, you know? especially when they're your best friend.

I figured that I should try and get some help with this from some of my friends. I asked about four different people, and lucky for me, they all said the same thing. Too bad it wasn't what I wanted to hear. They all told me that I should stop talking to him so much. I mean, we don't talk a lot, but we talk enough. Obviously, enough for me to start liking him, right?

So I'm trying to get myself to stop liking him, but I don't want to stop talking to him. I've actually been talking to his roommate, who likes my other best friend, a lot more. He's really fun and easy to talk to as well, and that's good, because it's nice to have someone to talk to, when you need someone. They feel the same about me, I guess. I'm the resident advice-giver for our group of friends. XD

Anyway. So, that walk that I took with Mike last night, we actually ended up talking about how I can get over liking Paul. He told me that I should find a replacement. He was the odd answer out of everyone else that told me to stop talking to him. I mean, I understand why he said to find a replacement. He's a guy, he would say something like that. I mean, if you know Mike, you would understand, too.

At the time, I thought the idea was incredibly stupid. I mean, I know it would work, but what are the chances that I would find someone who would be a good replacement? Who says that I could just stop liking Paul and pick up liking someone else?

Mike does.

Honestly, I didn't believe that it was possible until this other kid from band started talking to me the day before yesterday. He just friended me on Facebook and we chatted on it for like an hour. And then last night, when I got back from my walk with Mike, he was on, and we chatted for a while again. I ended up adding him on AIM and we talked there, and then he texted me until I fell asleep. Same shit that went on with Paul, really.

And this kid--I'm going to refrain from saying his name for the time being--is really, really flirtatious with me. He talks about how I make him smile and how I'm funny and some other cute things like that, and he's just really flirty with me. He calls me flute girl, and then decided that he was going to start calling me Z instead, because Nicole is just too hard to remember, right? XD

I dunno. He's really nice, and he is cute and stuff, but I don't want anything to start this quickly. I hear Jaime's voice in my head telling me to make sure that I get to know the person for a month before I start anything. Like hell that's going to happen, really, but I've only talked to him once in a while.

But when I do talk to him, it's worth it. [:

11:48 PM

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I love taking long walks. I just got back in from like, a two hour walk around campus with Mike. And the great thing was, we actually talked. He talked to me, I talked to him, and he actually listened to me. That's hard to find in anyone, someone who actually listens and responds. We ended up talking about just about everything. The subject went from Caroline to different parts of my life to my sexuality and his drinking, and things like that.

It was the most worthwhile thing I've done while being on campus. Paul plans to take one with me sometime next week. I'm kind of excited, and kind of not.

Oh. Speaking of Paul, I have to point this out. Towards the end of our little walk around campus, Mike pointed out something to me. He goes, "So I have something I want to tell you, but I don't think I should." I told him to just go ahead and say it, and he argued and said that it was too negative. To that, I shrugged my shoulders and told him to just tell me.

He told me something along the lines of how me and Paul would be a perfect couple, because we're so alike in ways that we don't drink or have sex or do drugs, and we're really devoted to music and a ton of other things that I can't even remember... And it made me think. Because I'm trying to stop liking him. And I seriously hope that he doesn't read my blog, because I might punch a baby if he found out that I like him. Mike even told me that Paul usually doesn't stay friends with a girl when he founds out that she likes him, whether he's taken or not.

I guess I have to be more careful what I put in here, then? Either that, or I have to stop posting my URL in my status on AIM all the time.

Anyway.

I've decided that walks are incredible. It's amazing what taking a walk at night when everything cools down can do. I've felt sick all day, and I went on this walk with Mike, and I suddenly felt so much better. It was almost unfair. Like, why hadn't I thought about that before? But that wasn't the only reason that this walk was the best thing I've done lately. Mike and I talked about a lot of things, and I told him some things that I haven't even told Nils. It's crazy.

Cliche says that I'm going to be best friends with these people for the rest of my life. <3

9:58 PM

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Nothing bothers me more than people who are fake.

No. It doesn't bother me. It pisses me the hell off. Stupid fake people who can't be themselves for one whole minute. And those stupid fake people who feel like they have to lie to everyone about everything just so they can be liked. I just hate people who can't think for themselves and shit like that.

All in all, I hate stupid blonde manwhores. You all know who I'm talking about. The only snare drummer who doesn't wear a shirt to any practise, no matter how cold it is. The snare drummer that gets made fun of for not wearing a shirt, ever. The snare drummer who should've gotten kicked off the line instead of Paul, because he actually sucks at drumming, unlike the aforementioned best friend of mine. [:

Only manwhores try to screw you when they already have a girlfriend, and just don't tell you about it. Of course, they also said they'd broken up with said girlfriend months ago, and he likes you, and everything would be okay between you, he just didn't want a relationship. But really, he was lying about how much he and his girlfriend had sex to get you to have sex with him because that's all he wants.

I'm ready to slap a hoe.

Paul says he'll help me beat him up. It's all good.

On the bright side; I'm first chair in U Band? ^^

8:08 AM

It's only 8am and I've already had one of those nostalgic moments. I always get on Facebook in the morning, beacuse when I have notifications, it makes me feel special, you know? Even if they're just from some stupid application, or whatever. But I was looking through my Feed, and I saw that one of my old high school friends posted some pictures. I usually love looking at her pictures, because she's so good at editing them. She'll tint them, add cute text with lyrics from a favourite song, and they just make me feel good.

Well. I guess that was before college.

"I can't believe I'm already a senior!" quickly turned to "I can't believe we're doing with high school already!" and then to "Holy shit, I'm in college. I'm on my own!" And looking back at the past hurts now, instead of making me feel good.

Last night, I was in Paul and Mike's room for like two hours, just talking to them about everything. I know I already mentioned that, but really. We had some really in-depth conversations--though most of it did have to do with trying to Mike to ask out Caroline finally. I said some things to them that it took me years to tell some of my best friends. Things that I haven't even told Nils yet, which is big for me. Nils is my best friend in the whole world, and though we've only known each other for a year, he's the closest I've ever felt to anyone.

I've never had any real friends before. Never had that person that I could talk to for hours about everything. I mean, I sort of did, but our group of friends ended up splitting down the middle and everyone took sides, to which I just scoffed and decided against all of it.

But anyway.

It's weird how things have escalated with my friends here. I feel closer to these people than I've felt to anyone, ever. And yesterday I realised that... These are the people that I'm going to know for the rest of my life. Remember those old cliches that say you'll be best friends with the people you know from college forever? I feel it already, and I'm only three weeks in.

The sad part is, when I looked back at those pictures, it really hurt. Like, not just tug-at-my-heart, tear-in-my-eye sad; it was like, I'm about ready to bawl, but I have to go to class in an hour, so I won't. But that doesn't mean I won't be spending my break crying my eyes out.

I never realised how much I was actually going to miss home, and my old friends and everything, when I left. I'm not usually one to get homesick, but I think I talk to my mom just about every day. And I miss Nils more than anything in the world. Not just because I liked him so much for a bit of time, but becasue he's my best friend, and I can tell him anything, and it's just weird not being with him. Over the summer, we hung out just about every single day--and I would give anything to have this summer back. Anything.

College is so weird. I'm out on my own, but I still have my parents paying for everything. I'm in desperate need of a job, because I don't have a lot of money left in my account, but my mom told me that it was all right--they're still paying for all of my expenses. But I'm really on my own. Taking care of myself, buying my own groceries, feeding myself, spending my money wisely--I'd hope.

This is just so different than I imagined it.

3:31 PM

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm not usually one of those people that obsessively blogs every single day. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure that I have enough to talk about to manage blogging every day. But lately, I've had so much on my mind that I could write about four blogs a day. The sad part is, I have no time to write any of them.

I'm sitting here in my sweaty, smelly band clothes, blogging about randomness when I should really be doing my stats homework that's due tomorrow. But I hear that my teacher only grades for completion, so if I make a bunch of bullshit, I'm sure that it'll turn out okay. The only thing is, I really want to keep up my grade point average this year. I told my parents I'm going to graduate college with honours. I know I can do it. I just have to try.

But... Trying is just so hard, you know? XD

I mean, I just haven't made time for myself to do my homework. I still have some workbook pages to do for theory, too. I'm hoping that's all I have to do... But I sure as hell haven't practised piano, either. And now I'm picking up percussion on top of that... I have 20 credit hours, now. Proud of me? Yeah. I wouldn't be, either. It's a shitton of stuff.

I'm just glad that I'm finally getting my overall percussion lessons. I've wanted to learn snare for the longest, longest time; Elliott was supposed to teach me a while back, but he never did. And Paul is supposed to help me along the lines. We just have to find time to get together and do some drumming.

Good thing is, I'm not getting the lessons from Dr. Snider. Which is good, because that dude scares me. Legitimately.

I'm getting lessons from someone else; I hope he's good at marimba, because that's what I originally wanted. And I'm so, so excited to start. I just have to add the class to my schedule and pay a hundred some dollars for equipment use and whatnot. That'll get done tomorrow, at the same time I go to pick up my package from DocuZip! [:

So, speaking of drums, I just found out that my friend Paul, who is pretty much my best guy friend here at Akron, just got kicked off the cymbal line by someone else who just joined marching band today. I guess he didn't exactly get kicked off, but he has some other kid taking his spot for at least the first game. He's unsure when he's going to get to march again, and I kind of feel bad for him. I just hope he'll get to march sometime soon.

Anyway.

I spent two hours in Paul and Mike's room, talking to them about pretty much everything. Everything from what Mike should do about Caroline to my past relationships involving girls and everything like that. It was actually really weird. We just jumped from subject to subject and talked about everything under the sun.

And I realised that Paul and I do really have a musical bond--we both like stuff from the 80's, which is fucking sweet. And I think we're going to do a radio show together. I'm going to go to Kolbe Hall tomorrow and pick up my application to work in the station. I guess he already has people giving him bids on getting on their show, but he says he wants to do one with me, which would be pretty sweet. But that would also mean devoting another 10 hours a week to the station, and dropping percussion lessons.

I'm so unsure of what I want to do right now, and this whole liking boys who can't possibly like me back is really starting to get to me.

I'm jealous of the people I see walking around campus and holding hands. I want that. Whether it be boy or girl. I want to fall in love, for real. I'm done being hurt, and I'm done sulking, and I'm done wallowing away in my self pity. I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready to fall for someone, to be with someone for a while. I just have to find someone who isn't taken. That would help me so much.

Blargh. What am I going to do with myself? /shot

8:17 AM

Monday, August 31, 2009

I noticed, when I was rereading my first post earlier, that this layout doesn't give the titles of my blogs. So it's pretty useless to name them creatively, isn't it? I mean, that's half the fun--naming the blog--but when everyone else can't see it, then what's the point? You'll just waste half the time it takes to write the damn thing to get the title. I mean, I put the title in last; I spend the whole time I write the blog thinking about what the title could be. If it should have any relevance to what's in the post, or, like the title to a Fall Out Boy song, if it should just be something completely random that has nothing to do with anything that you put within it?

I get the feeling that I think too much sometimes. Actually, it's not just a feeling--that's how I am. I overthink about everything. And usually, it's not good thinking that comes out of it. Then I'll end up in a severely depressed mood and I won't be able to get myself out of it until something good happens. Luckily for me, I haven't been able to think that much since college started, since the whole music thing is taking up so much of my time. I guess I'm thankful that school keeps me so busy, because we get seriously bored on the weekends.

Like, yesterday, I think we walked around campus for fifteen minutes trying to decide what to do before we figured, let's just go up in one of our dorm rooms and talk. Though the talking thing didn't really go that well, because we hadn't been talking that much at dinner, or the walk back to the dorm, or anything. I think I've talked more since I've been here than all of them combined. It's kind of weird.

I'm just really talkative. That's why my blogs tend to be so long-winded sometimes.

And like right now, I usually talk about nothing. My head is a ginormous black hole as of right now, and it's just taking everything in, but not spitting anything out. So my words come out very blah and make no sense... And this is where I start thinking and talking to much.

So I'm going to tell you about my audition.

I just go back from Guzzetta; I had my audition with Jon and Jason--they're the directors for University Band. U Band is the lowest of the three here at Akron, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Low bands mean easy music, which is why I thought that I would be able to blow off that audition music like it was nothing. Essentially, I did. There were just a couple of parts that I blew up, and that was fine. The notes and rhythms were delicious, and Jon even told me that I did a lot of things really well. And they were smiling, laughing, nodding, tapping their feet, bobbing their heads... I'll be really disappointed if I don't end up first chair, I think.

Then again, second won't be that bad. But I despise third chair. I was third chair every year in high school except for my last, when I was sixth. But six is a multiple of three, and I sat next to a bitch, so I didn't like that one, either. Dx

I'm just not that good when it comes to chair placement auditions. I mean, my auditions period usually suck, but the one that I did to get into Akron's School of Music rocked wickedly. I played my solo like it was my job (which is will be one day--right? XD) and I only messed up on the scale, because I'd never played a B major scale before.

Nevertheless, it was still rockin'.

My audition for the Akron Concert Bands, on the other hand, was major fail. So I was placed--can you believe it--THIRD chair in U Band, until I found out that we had separate auditions for chairs, because there are some people who just DO University Band, and they don't have to be music majors, so they don't have to audition for all the concert bands.

But hey, on the bright side, if I made first chair, I'll get bumped up to Concert Band in the spring semester. Which would be pretty freaking sweet, wouldn't it? Haha.

Man. I really forgot how much writing blogs seriously helps everything. I'm not even in a bad mood, and I feel better for typing this all out. Maybe it's because boys are giving me grief, and getting a few words down somewhere makes me feel better. I haven't written a sentence in months. It's kind of scary.

Really, though, I don't know why I'm still so hooked on guys. Well. I do, I guess. I mean... There's this voice inside of me that tells me how bad it is to like girls. That it's against everything I've believed for my entire life. But then there's this other side of me that's trying to tell the other side to screw off and let me love who I want--but the thing is, I've only been falling for guys lately. Could it be that my liking girls was just a phase, like everyone said? One of those experimental things for high school? And I haven't even been through a month of college, let alone the entire experience, and I haven't had my chance to explore yet.

Boys, stop making me like you.

I just... Don't know what it is. Like, I'll be crushing on one guy, because he's my best friend, so goddamn incredible and he's always there for me, and lets me tell him everything, and then all of a sudden, there's another cute guy and I start to fall for him, but then he starts dating a friend of mine, and then he disappears, too, and then when I move into college and meet an adorable boy in the elevator and continue to become best friends with him... Well, it's a cycle, isn't it? And nothing every comes of any of them.

I remember what I told my friend once. I think it's that I see myself being with a girl, in the end, and the boys are just here for play right now. She told me that she thinks it's the other way around; that I'll end up with a boy in the end and I'm just playing around with the girls.

But I don't want it to be that way! I don't want to be that cliche teenager that's only gay because it's the "cool" thing to do. I don't like girls because it's cool. I like girls because they're... Incredible. Because they know exactly what a girl wants, and they won't take your heart and smash it under their skate shoes, like all those boys have done to me. It hurts, thinking back on it, you know? But I don't want to get into any of that stuff right now.

Madison just came in and we're going to go get lunch. I'M STARVING. [:

12:27 AM

I think it took just about the whole day to get this blog working. And, I mean, I haven't been really good about keeping blogs in the past, but like I told Kayla, I think it's because I never actually really knew how to blog. So, since I was so jealous of Kayla's epic blog, I figured I might as well take another crack at this, and I started a brand new one. Of course, it's like 12:30 am and I have an 8:50 class tomorrow morning, but I would much rather get up at least one post, because Kayla expected an epic blog when she got home earlier, and I still hadn't even though of a name that wasn't taken. XD

We settled on Scribbled Symphonies because it was kind of a mix of a few things that we'd thought up beforehand. I really like it, actually. And its music-related, which was really all that I'd originally wanted.

It took me about five years to find just the right template for the layout, though, and I'm not really sure if I like this one or not, but I guess I'm going to have to deal with it, aren't I? There wasn't much out there that was even remotely cute, so I think that I ended up picking a good one, right? Haha.

Anyway. I don't really have much to say right now; I have no blistering thoughts boiling about my head, nor do I have much I would need advice on. Well, I take that back. I have plenty of things that I could ask for advice on, or complain about, or something like that, but I'm good as of right now. Plus, I don't want to go to bed asking myself questions about everything. I'm tired enough as it is; I don't think I want to wear my brain out that much.

Luckily for me, I don't have Marching Band rehearsal tomorrow. But I do have University Band rehearsal, and that's just fine. U. Band music is so easy. XD

That does remind me, though. I also have my audition for chairs at 1:10pm. Ohh, boy. Not that the music is hard or anything, but I want to play it well enough to get first chair. So, it might be a good idea for me to get some rest, so I don't beef up everything tomorrow, right? [:

Wish me luck. <3